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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?