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And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.