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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.