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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.