Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.