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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.