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lol <- looks like a stick man drowning. lol
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.