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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.