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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.