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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car