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Are you reading this from a toilet? Iām writing this from one.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!