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My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.