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The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.