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Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.