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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
is battling with eyelids
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.