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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.