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I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.