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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of