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Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.