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lol <- looks like a stick man drowning. lol
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch