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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)