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Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
It takes balls to be a man.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.