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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"