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Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.