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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.