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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
One thing`s for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, Iām not falling for that.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.