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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...