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How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
More people should be at a loss for words.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.