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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.