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Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?