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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?