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"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.