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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"