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My favorite part of the day? The food part.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?