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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook