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Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.