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I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.