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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
Your giving me the silent treatment??? FKN FINALLY!!
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.