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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.