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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?