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Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.