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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly