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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times