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Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?