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Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.