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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...