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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
I play hard to get along with.