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Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Iād steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!