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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.