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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.