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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
why do i feel like you are reading this
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari