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I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”