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Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
Youth is wasted on the young.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.