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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.