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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?