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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?