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I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...