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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.