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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.