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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.
Iām bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.